Holding Up Your End Of The Bargain: Being There For Your Loved One In Recovery
When you’re the partner or family member of a loved one going through recovery, it can be a scary time, indeed. Not only do you worry about whether your loved one will relapse, but you’re often not quite sure what to do to support him or her in the best way possible. One thing is certain, however. Family is one of the two major – and critical – support networks a person can have who’s going through recovery. The other major support network is, of course, 12-step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous ant others.
When you’re the partner or family member of a loved one going through recovery, it can be a scary time, indeed. Not only do you worry about whether your loved one will relapse, but you’re often not quite sure what to do to support him or her in the best way possible. One thing is certain, however. Family is one of the two major – and critical – support networks a person can have who’s going through recovery. The other major support network is, of course, 12-step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous ant others.
How do you hold up your end of the bargain? How can you be there for your loved one in recovery? What are the best strategies to use? Here are some answers.
Do Not Try To Control/Change Your Loved One
Keep in mind that you cannot change or control your loved one who’s in recovery. One of the most important things to recognize about supporting another’s recovery is that you have to allow that individual to find his or her own way. What you think your loved one should do and what actually works for that person’s recovery may be two entirely different things. No way should you try to force your own ideas or demand a certain amount of progress by a specific date, or try to make your loved one change to suit your own liking or perception of what recovery looks like.
How do you best support your loved one, then, if you shouldn’t try to control or change him/her? What your loved one needs most of all from you is the space and freedom to find his own way in recovery. The knowledge that you support his efforts – and are permitting him the freedom and space to make his own way – will be a tremendous aid in his ongoing recovery process.
Acknowledge Your Loved One’s Efforts
Each person in recovery has to follow his or her own path. For some, it may be attending several 12-step meetings each day, especially during the first three months of recovery when relapse is a very real risk. For others, perhaps with a few months of sobriety under their belt, meeting attendance, while still important and regular, becomes a once-a-day part of the recovery plan, coupled with other activities that are focused on recovery.
Recovery experts say that those in recovery often have very specific ideas about what it takes and what they need to do to maintain their sobriety. A lot of what they do may seem like trial and error and, to a certain extent, it is. They’re attempting to figure out what specific strategies for coping and living work best in their overall goal to remain abstinent.
Many individuals in recovery spend a lot of time going to meetings, as previously mentioned. But meetings are only part of the 12-step program. Your loved one will most likely find a sponsor and begin spending a great deal of time with that person. Why is this important and should you worry about it? First of all, your loved one’s 12-step sponsor serves as the guide to recovery. It’s the sponsor’s responsibility – one that he or she has willingly accepted – to help the newcomer to recovery begin to feel at home in the 12-step group, to learn about the philosophy of the program, and to understand what the 12-Steps to recovery are and how to work them. This is called working the steps, and it is a huge part of a person’s recovery from addiction.
You should take comfort in the knowledge that your loved one is spending the majority of his or her time with the sponsor, the 12-step groups, and working the 12-Steps. That’s what he or she is supposed to be doing.
Naturally, that’s easier said than done. It can feel lonely while your loved one is off doing these things. Be sure to acknowledge your loved one’s efforts – and keep yourself busy and stay strong in the meantime.
Don’t Take Absence Personally
When you are sitting home by yourself or taking care of the family while your spouse/partner/loved one is off tending to recovery-focused activities, it’s important to avoid the tendency to feel like any of this is intended to hurt you. It isn’t. Your loved one is doing exactly what he or she needs to do to be in successful recovery: focusing, at least initially, almost exclusively on recovery.
For the newcomer to recovery, that means devoting almost all their concentration to recovery. Anything not directly associated with recovery has to take second place, or third or fourth and so on. Recovery experts even say that those in recovery shouldn’t engage in or contemplate any new romantic relationships during the first year of recovery.
If you are already married or living together you have a different situation. You have to deal with things as they are and not as you wish they would be. It’s simply unhealthy for you to resent your loved one’s participation in 12-step groups, or working the steps, or talking with/being with his 12-step sponsor. It isn’t anything against you. What your loved one is doing is trying to gain a firm footing in recovery – and that takes time.
Just remember that the risk of relapse is high during the first few months of recovery. But anything can trigger a relapse even beyond that sobriety milestone. If your loved one isn’t confident in his/her abilities to withstand cravings and urges, if he or she is unable to weather crises, overcome stress, or find emotional strength and stability, relapse could very well result.
How do you overcome feelings of being neglected? For one thing, it helps if you remind yourself that your partner or loved one is doing what’s best for his or her recovery. You also are doing what you need to do in order to be there for your loved one – by supporting his/her recovery efforts – and giving the space and freedom for your loved one to become more grounded in recovery.
Voice Your Support
None of this means that you should sit silently by and watch the clock every moment your loved one is away. What you should do, recommend the experts, is to voice your support for your loved one’s recovery efforts.
Just don’t get in the way. Never harp or nag your loved one about his/her meeting attendance. Don’t snoop or read his emails or try to overhear telephone conversations. That’s not only being distrustful, but it may also seriously jeopardize your relationship.
You need to also remember that your loved one will experience emotional upheaval from time to time during early recovery. This is a vulnerable time for those newly sober. Many are trying to overcome years of addiction, learning new behaviors that are alien to them, trying to adapt a new and healthier lifestyle. Sometimes it’s painful. Many times it’s awkward and confusing.
Your loved one wants and needs your support – so voice it. Do everything you can to encourage your loved one’s total commitment to recovery, and be clear when you say you want recovery to be your loved one’s priority. It’s also recommended that you let your loved one know that you are willing to give him/her the space and freedom to recover. This means you’re willing to sit by the sidelines, so to speak, or take a backseat to your loved one’s recovery work – for now.
Learn the Principles of Recovery
It may also be helpful to learn the principles of recovery. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has identified 12 of them. When you look at these 12 Principles of Recovery, keep in mind that recovery is multi-faceted. There’s no one single approach that works for everyone. Learning the recovery principles can help ease your mind and ensure that you keep your support right where it needs to be for your loved one in recovery.
Here are the 12 Principles of Recovery:
- There are many pathways to recovery.
- Recovery is self-directed and empowering.
- Recovery involves a personal recognition of the need for change and transformation.
- Recovery is holistic.
- Recovery has cultural dimensions.
- Recovery exists on a continuum of improved health and wellness.
- Recovery emerges from hope and gratitude.
- Recovery involves a process of healing and self-redefinition.
- Recovery involves addressing discrimination and transcending shame and stigma.
- Recovery is supported by peers and allies.
- Recovery involves joining/rejoining and building/rebuilding life in the community.
- Recovery is a reality.
Allow Your Loved One to Accept Responsibility
While your loved one is in the process of learning what it means to be in recovery, the time will come when he/she will need to acknowledge and accept responsibility for his or her past and present actions. You need to allow this to happen, since a major part of recovery involves just this. Before your loved one can move on and become more grounded in recovery, he has to accept his responsibility for things he’s already done or said, or continues to do or say as a result of his addiction.
Without acceptance of personal responsibility, your loved one will remain stuck. Some of this will come up as the result of your loved one working the 12-Steps. There’s also taking inventory of things that your loved one has done to hurt others, and making amends where possible. These are two of the 12 Steps – and they are very important ones.
The key is that there’ll be a lot of emotional turmoil your loved one will undergo at different times of working the steps and getting more firmly grounded in recovery. Don’t make excuses for your loved one if he/she slips and relapses. That’s enabling, and will only further jeopardize any lasting recovery. A person has to want recovery and has to work hard to achieve and maintain it.
Find Your Own Support Group
Just as your loved one needs to go to 12-step groups, you have an equally compelling reason to join one yourself. Of course, you’re not going to be attending your loved one’s 12-step group – that’s just for those in recovery. But there are family groups associated with almost every 12-step group. Alcoholics Anonymous has a family group for the loved ones of those in recovery. This group is called Al-Anon/Alateen, where Alateen is for the older adolescent members of the family of an alcoholic. The family offshoot group of Narcotics Anonymous is Nar-Anon.
What goes on in the family support groups? Here you’ll meet and interact with others who are living with a loved one who’s either in active recovery or struggling with addiction. You’ll gain a better understanding of the issues others face in dealing with all facets of your loved ones’ recovery. In addition, you’ll have the support and encouragement of others who have been right where you are now, who know what it takes to overcome feelings of sadness, defeat, loneliness and anxiety as you support your loved one in recovery.
By attending family 12-step support groups, you’re doing something proactive and healthy that helps you and helps you offer beneficial support to your loved one in recovery.
Encourage Additional Treatment if Appropriate
What if you see your partner/loved one struggling to maintain sobriety? What if he or she relapses and is so discouraged that you fear a return to full addiction? You may wish to encourage your loved one to undergo additional treatment. This may mean a return to rehab or it could mean seeking additional counseling through a therapist.
Not everyone who goes into treatment for addiction is completely ready to be in recovery the first time. For some, it may take more than one stint in rehab for it to “take” and for the person to be fully committed to sobriety. Others want to be abstinent but need more practice in coping skills and strategies. Some have to deal with co-occurring mental health disorders that may necessitate continuing psychological counseling and medication as required.
It isn’t a negative thing to encourage more treatment, should it be warranted. On the contrary, you’re holding up your end of the bargain by being supportive of your loved one’s recovery in every way you can.
Live in the Present, Not the Past
It’s also wise to mention here that it’s important that you live in the present. You can’t continually think about what it was like in the past, neither glorifying nor condemning your loved one’s past behavior. No good comes from living in the past. The past is dead and gone and, while your loved one needs to take personal responsibility for what his/her actions then, it does not define your loved one today.
Similarly, it does no good for you to reminisce or be sad or angry about past behavior. Live with the reality that exists today. Do what you can to be supportive and encouraging of your loved one’s recovery efforts. Develop your own interests and be strong and secure in your own right.
By living each day in the present, working to be the best you can be – and that includes being supportive of your loved one’s recovery efforts – you will be doing all you can to hold up your end of the bargain. No, it won’t always be easy. Expect some rough patches here and there. But if you approach life with optimism and faith, you’ll be able to weather any storm. Don’t be afraid to seek the support you need as well during this time.
If you follow these recommendations, it is very possible that you and your loved one will have the opportunity to deepen your relationship. You may even find that the best of all possible times is occurring right now.
